Why do we fight all the time?

Oh wow! I learnt something today.

Profound Guilt can be a substitute for Actual Change.

If you make youself feel bad enough about something that you are doing wrong in your life, you won't feel the need to change that wrong behaviour.


The other thing was about why couples fight.

Someone I know, who probably reads this blog once in a while, writes her own blog and tells of her own struggles with her past and present relationships.

She broke up with one guy in Singapore, whom at first she could swear she would end up marrying. Or was it, he broke up with her?

Never mind. Then she went overseas and got another boyfriend. Both of them ended up aguing a lot, and it was kinda hateful.

She's now with another guy and it seems like he's really really good to her, but she ends up screaming at him a lot and picking fights all the time. And then he says sorry and that he loves her even though he didn't do anything wrong, and she forgives him and they move on, until she chooses to pick another fight with him.

All this while, she says she loves him so much and that he's a great guy, she's not worthy to have him, she's a bad girlfriend etc etc etc.

I've told her before, she creates her own problems and will lose this nice guy soon.

Now I know why she does it.

If you read her blogs, you will realise something about her. She was hurt really badly by relationships in the past. And I think the last Singapore guy ended up getting married recently. I think she hasn't had the courage to face her demons in her past. And this is carrying through to her current relationship.

Does she see it? I think so.

Is she doing anything about it? I don't think so.

Why? The answer lies in my second & third sentences at the beginning of this blog.

Why is she fighting so much then?

It's a defensive mechanism. She is SO SURE that this nice new guy WILL leave her, that she picks fights with him in order to put up some walls, so when he does leave her, she won't feel like she's going to die.

Intimacy can be scarier than fighting and disappointments. If you love someone so much, and give it your all, give yourself 100% truly, if the person leaves you, the pain can be so great that you feel like you could die.

Pain is always associated in some ways to death. We can become so afraid of that pain, that we can be willing to go through arguments, hurts, disappointments, defensive walls in order never to feel that pain.

She picks fights with him because she is afraid to love him 100% and cannot believe that he could be the "ideal" one.

Illogical, but since when are our hearts rational anyway?

Solution?

We need to go back and re-live our past hurts. Not just talk about it, or recall it. But to RE-LIVE it. It will be painful and scary. Most people wouldn't have the courage to do so.

But to those who manage to, what it does is, it opens up our lives for us to view it better, and make changes. The hurts may never heal. But our lives would be able to move on and grow. Maybe then, the hurts won't matter anymore.

http://imagorelationships.org/index.html