Some love never fade

I think one of the reasons why I'm not interested in dating currently is probably because I still have feelings for someone.

I knew her in 1998 and have been in reasonably close contact since then. I guess, I've been there for most of the major occassions in her life.

Does she love me back?

Nope.

Has she been there for me in my life.

Not really.

So, why then do I still have such feelings for her?

I can't really answer that. I'm not sure. I've thought about it a lot. I've debated in my mind and heart for the last how many years.

Does she deserve my love?

Certainly not.

Do I deserve to be treated the way she treats me?

Surely not.

It kinda reminds me a lot about God and us actually. I'm not saying that I am loving her like God does us, but it does have some similarities.

We certainly do not deserve His love, and surely we mistreat God a lot. But He still loves us nevertheless.

Can't really understand why, but it just is.

I spoke with her just yesterday and asked her about her mother's day. Her mom passed on late last year and I was just wondering how she was during this period.

Tell you something strange. I knew her mom was very ill and was at her deathbed, but I never knew her mom as she had been living in China for the last many years. I never went to see her mom at the hospice as I felt it wasn't my place to be there. She has a boyfriend and it is his duty to be there for her, not me.

Okay, here's the strange thing. One day I was just lying around wasting time when I had a weird feeling to go visit her mom. I kinda knew she was at Mt Alvernia, and called to check which room she was at. And the nurses there told me she had just passed on the day before. I was like.. oh wow.. how weird was that.

I called her up to see where the wake would be held and she was surprised that I knew about it. Anyway, I went to the wake and when she saw me, she gave me the biggest hug I had ever got from her. Was there for quite a while and met her boyfriend later in the day. He's alright. One of her friends, whom I kinda know abit, mentioned, they weren't too keen on this guy. Not a fantastic guy.. but then again.. whatever..

She smsed me after our talk yesterday, and said.. U make me smile :)...

Yeah.. so what? I make you smile, I'm there for you. I'm a useful friend to have. Always there at the right times in your life. Always telling you how worthwhile your existence is.

You call me up at 5.40am when you had a nightmare. And you knew I had the answers to get you through the issues you have.

What do I get in return? How do I feel about the entire thing?

Can you say .... s.p.a.r.e. t.y.r.e.? that's me. only for emergencies.

It sucks, and I know that I'm doing it to myself. Why do I still do it?

Simple.. I'm a great guy. And great guys love lots. It has nothing to do with her. It's how much I am capable of loving someone who doesn't appreciate my love in return.

It doesn't really matter what the outcome is actually. She may never see me for what I am and worth.

It makes me a better lover just knowing I am willing and able to love 100% and expect nothing in return.